My baby girl and best friend

4/27/15. The day I will never forget. My daughter Deanna was not only my daughter and my best friend and I knew she felt the same way. We lived in the same house that I bought with her young brother And her bedroom was right across from mine and we talked every day I,was divorced she was divorced also. But even when she was married we still talked daily.  My son is married and has a wife and a child so we they were a team and we were a team. For a 41 year old woman Deanna was very immature and was the house clown, she also a one woman demolition team. I never worried about her immaturity because we as a family are all weirdos that find humor in almost anything.  When the baby poops on you get the camera,then help, or when my son locked himself out of his car get a picture before you give him the keys. My father at 80’s was still doing his seal impersonation. We love to laugh and Deanna could always find a way to do something that would make you say how the hell did she do that. She was such a loving person whom would never harm anyone and worried all the time about Hurting someone’s feelings. Deanna had a problem with alcohol and also had epilepsy which effected her short term memory. So she would forget to do things that came normal to everyone else.  she was also impulsive and never thought of the consequences of her actions.  Her brothers were jealous of the attention she got and she got they felt she was spoiled. She got  a lot of attention because she needed it most but she was always quick to thank you and remind everyone else to thank someone. I was raised without a mother so i tried to be super mom and she told me when she was 17 what a great mom I was and I told her it was because of my great dad. She said call him and tell him that so I called my dad and told him what she had told him what I had said to Deanna

i knew Deanna was drinking more than normal but she always said she would stop and I think shejust hid it better. On 4/27/15. I talked to her at 12:37pm last words were I love you and she said I love you too mom. She was planning a trip. Had just gotten her hair done and bought a supply of contacts. At 2:00am on 4/28/15 my son came screaming into my room Deanna is dead i am a  bad brother Deanna is dead. She couldn’t be I ran to her room and he begged me to not go in her room she was laying face down on the floor I tried to wake her and turn her over and noticed she was stiff and cold and her right leg was,straight and her left leg was raised up in the air, my baby girl was dead. My son said her TV got loud and in trying to be respectful to her he went outside and was turning her tv down through her bedroom Window when he saw he standing by her door.  he called out to her and she didn’t respond so he ran into the house saw the belt over her bedroom door.  He had tobeat the door in and she fell he told me he will never ever forget the sound of her falling as he screamed and cried. It was pure hell for myself,her brother and his wife all of us feeling guilty for not recognizing that she may do this. I was in fear any time she was away from home and I knew  She was drinking, but at home she was safe or so I thought. Did she call out for me as she was taking her last breath I will never know, all I know is life will never be the same. I can hardly catch my breath when I think of her, I miss her so much and feel I failed her, but for my son I have to be happy he has already suffered so much he can’t loose his mom too.  Everyone in the family is devastated over her death because she was a ray of sunshine and gave so much love to everyone she knew . She loved so much she touched the heart of every one who knew her she wasn’t smart of accomplished but  she loved with a passion and she is a great loss not only to the world but to all who loved her. I can’t breath when I think of her and I don’t want to,hear she is in a better place if since I can’t touch her or talk to,her how do I know , I have no faith and live with a s fake smile on my face hating myself daily for failing my baby.  I knew she wasn’t happy with her life and because of her alcohol abuse she didn’t see a a way out of her situation and could only see a future of living with her younger brother which every made her feel worse about herself.   So every day I assured she how beautiful and special she and she was a wonderful daughter and I loved her. I was so stupid to think that my love would keep her safe.

Its been almost 18 months since Deanna died and the pain of knowing I will never see her or talk to again is a wound that will never heal and I still have days I cry because I miss her so much. No one will ever replace her in my heart. I blame myself and am so angry at myself because I can’t be angry with her. I somehow failed her by not realizing how depressed and how much alcohol she was drinking.  I only am able to survive for my remaining children and every that is a struggle   This is the only place that people can understand my pain and I’m so grateful for it